Disappearing Into Meditation
To Be Here Now, Imagine Not Being Here at All
written in February 2020
When I moved to Austin in 2018, I was so grateful to find Sukha Yoga where I was able to deepen my meditation and asana practice.
This blog is about one of the many epiphanies I had on my mat during this time.
When our teacher invites us into the yoga studio for our practice, the room is bustling with laughter and conversation. As an introvert with a full-time job that demands social interaction, my yoga studio is my sanctuary where I smile, but generally don’t make an effort to talk to anybody. It isn’t that I don’t want to make friends or that I want to be a recluse. For me, there’s just a deep peace in feeling anonymous, even though I practice with the same folks several times a week.
By practicing this sort of “Noble Silence,” I discovered a surprising meditation technique.
In the time before class when I feel and hear the room fill up with people, I sit on my mat and focus on my breath. Gradually, I imagine that I’m not really there. I meditate on disappearing.
I think about the mornings when I accidentally sleep in and wind up missing my class altogether. I feel myself disappear through each inhalation and exhalation. I listen to the buzz of the room, and rest in the thought that everything would be happening around me whether or not I’m there to witness it.
Chimes
There, that’s the medicine.
The Practice of Disappearing
My teacher reminds us that when we focus on our breath, we notice that we don’t have to do anything to breathe. Our body breathes for us, whether or not we pay attention to it. We use the breath as a focal point to steady our minds, to notice that we’re alive and okay, regardless of what our thoughts are telling us. It’s a self-awareness practice that transcends “trying.” It just is, as much as I am sitting in class now, or I am somewhere else.
The fact that the events in the room — like my neighbor rolling out her mat with a thud, or the music triggering a strong memory — would happen whether I am there or not is a beautiful focal point for meditation. It removes responsibility. It reminds me that I don’t have to try so hard to be something, I just am.
When I deeply focus on removing myself from the room, I feel lighter. I feel the pressure of needing to control everything gently release, like a balloon deflating.
Meditating on “disappearing” may sound dark, but it is not. It’s a deep knowing that all is well, and I am not in control of any of it.
The Arrival
What is the opposite of disappearing? It’s a tight grip on the idea of being in this room. Being on this mat in these yoga clothes. Being here to perform, to “do yoga.” Sitting up tall, spine erect, Ujjayi breath thick and loud just like it’s supposed to be.
The opposite of disappearing is focusing on who I am and what I look like so that I make sure it’s perfect. I’m here, don’t you see me?
So, I disappear. I let it all go. I release the grip of control by feeling into the notion that I am not here. Through this practice, I find that I truly arrive.